Tell me the story of how you two met.
Rahshemah Wise: We met on Tinder. I specifically remember seeing Loren on Tinder and thinking “God, they’re so hot.” They had their pronouns in their bio so I was like, it’s perfect, they’re hot and trans and Black. I swiped right, but we didn’t match. I was heartbroken! It took us a few days to actually match and then I think I texted first?
Loren Bass-Sanford: Yeah, I think you did.
RW: It’s funny because we were actually in a very small GroupMe chat together. There were only like seven people in this GroupMe, but I didn’t recognize them. Loren recognized me though.
LB: I didn’t know whether to bring up the group chat or not because it didn’t seem like they recognized me.
RW: It’s funny because I was also doing a commission for Hema, who was their roommate at the time. So we could theoretically lie and say we met through a mutual friend instead… We had our first date, and we went to a plant store! We met up on cross campus first and walked over together. I bought Loren two plants and got myself one plant. Then we just kind of killed time for a while. I think we went to get boba after?
LB: We went to T-Swirl I think.
RW: TLDR we make it back to cross campus, and we run into some of Loren’s friends. We all sat together. It started raining and everybody left, but instead of leaving we ran into Sterling and talked for another hour. It was kind of cinematic; I rode my bike home in the rain. That first date was on a Wednesday, and then our second date was on that Saturday. On that second date we went to Wooster Square Park. It was March, so it was kind of nice out but a little cold. We brought snacks and chilled on a little blanket. It was too cold to stay long so we went to my apartment. I made Loren watch an episode of Haikyuu with me because of course I did. There was a pause—a very pausey pause—and I was like, “Oh what do you want to do?” They were like “What do you want to do?” And I said, “I want to kiss you now.” This is our second date. And get this… on our second date Loren asked, “Do you want to be my partner?”
LB: Hey, hey…
RW: And I was like yeah sure, it’s not a no but like… is this allowed? We sped run the whole process, but somehow it worked.
What is your favorite day together?
RW: Definitely the lavender farm. So Loren had been planning this surprise for a while and wouldn’t tell me what it was. I kept asking where we were going because they told me not to schedule anything on that day, but they would not tell me. They told me to think “picnic.” We get in the car, we’re driving there, and I brought up my favorite flower being Lavender. And Loren is just trying to keep a straight face. I saw the sign for the lavender farm, and I literally just started crying because it was so thoughtful of them. We just goofed around. I read their tarot cards, and we played the ukulele together… It was sweet.
LB: It was something so random that made me think about it. I think I saw a commercial or something and thought, “Oh my God, what if there’s a lavender farm?”
Has your conception of love changed during your time together?
RW: I think that I had a very unhealthy idea of love. I would say that I am somewhere on the aromantic spectrum so for me love is more about the choice to commit to somebody than a specific feeling or emotion. And I think that in my relationships before Loren it wasn’t love; it was very much like obsession. It was very much like an all-consuming type thing. Being with Loren is a lot more gentle. I remember describing it to a friend by saying that in my last relationship I was falling in love, but free falling. Without control. Yes that was exhilarating, but eventually you hit the ground. With Loren it feels more like walking into love. Taking intentional steps towards being in love with another person.
When I told Loren I thought I might be aromantic, they responded so sweetly. Said that maybe this can be a relationship where the goal isn’t romantic love. And I thought “shit maybe I am in love.” About 6 months into the relationship I played them, “How do you feel?” by Ed Sheeran on my ukulele and told them I loved them. They were so sweet about that too and made sure I meant it and wasn’t just saying it because I felt that we had reached some sort of milestone. How I described it to them was that falling in love is like making a cake. Yes cake is great, but I don’t particularly feel like I need cake in my day to day. And if I really wanted a cake, I could go and buy it, but that usually wouldn’t be worth it. When you’re in love, you want to go through the process of making a cake together. And there’s a lot of steps—you have to find good ingredients, preheat the oven, wait for it to cook and go through all of the steps that it takes to make a cake because you trust that it will be worth it.
LB: I don’t know if my relationship has changed me, but it has made me more aware of the way I think about love. I feel like, generally, with my emotions—I’m a Taurus moon—I’m usually not one to second-guess my emotions. So I feel like that’s why I asked them to be my partner so early. I was like this feels good, so why not? 2 + 2 = 4, right? I always feel very content with them.
RW: I guess something else that is a more recent thing is that my last breakup was so bad because it came out of nowhere. And after I kept thinking, how do I know that the next person isn’t just going to leave? When I think about how much I love Loren it is immediately followed by thinking “oh my god I don’t want to lose them…” But recently I’ve been giving myself permission to believe that they’re not going to go anywhere. To tell myself, “you don’t have to keep looking for indications that they’re going to leave.” It’s so vulnerable to me to be like here is my heart, all for you, and trust them not to break it.
What advice would you give to those seeking love?
RW: I think the advice I have for people looking to be in love is to communicate. Communication is generally so important. If you’re desiring to have a relationship with someone with a different dynamic in regards to the level of vulnerability and intimacy they want to share, you can’t keep your feelings a secret and pretend to be a perfect person. You won’t be building a real relationship if you’re not being authentically you. You have to practice vulnerability over and over and give the other person the opportunity to choose to stay. You can’t keep your feelings a secret and pretend to be a perfect person because you won’t be building a real relationship if you’re not being authentically you. Like, for example, a month or so into our relationship I was really stressed about graduation. I didn’t know what would happen after graduation and that was really stressful. We had a very teary conversation where we were able to resolve that in a way that worked for everyone.
And I’ve already said this about the way I view love, but love is a choice. Feelings help, but they are not the only thing that should make or break your choice to be in a relationship. You’re not going to have those lovey dovey firework feelings all the time, but you can have the commitment to show your partner that you love them everyday. However that looks like that day. Some days it looks like doing more, and some days it looks like doing less. You have to maintain it, almost like growing a plant. You need to change the pot when it grows. Water it. Accept that it is going to adapt and change. And grow together, instead of against each other! Your partner should not be an enemy. You can have disagreements, but it has to be the two of you versus the issue rather than the two of you versus each other.
LB: People ask me that a lot, but I don’t know, love is so random honestly. There wasn’t anything that logically came together for us to find love. I was actually about to delete Tinder right before we matched because I was in a place where I was like, “okay, I’m kind of looking for a relationship, but I’m also not too pressed about it.” I was definitely feeling good about where I was, and then I met Rahshemah and genuinely wanted them to be in my life. Early on we approached everything as an actual partnership. So I would say focus on the partnership aspect of love, someone to enjoy the happiness you already have with.
Alex Rocha-Alvarez’ 22
