New Haven is warming up, and what used to be the blissfully unpopulated shortcut through cross campus is turning into a stereotypical quad on the cover of a college brochure. While seeing everyone act as if they’ve never seen the sun before can be endearing at first, within ten minutes cross campus becomes a minefield of little cliques on the grass that stand between you and the other side of campus. Here are the eight types of people you’ll have to avoid on cross campus:
1. White Boys Playing Spikeball
Now think about this really hard: have you ever seen anyone play this ridiculous game outside of Yale’s campus? I’m pretty convinced spikeball was invented by a jaded intramurals coordinator. Especially if said boys have their shirts off for some inexplicable reason, you’ll want to steer clear. However, if the sun is bright enough and their torsos are pale enough, it is possible to experience some temporary blindness so be careful!
2. Boys (of Any Race) Playing Frisbee
Bonus points if a flying disk hits you in the head after a stressed out IM coordinator, convinced he has Frisbee-d the most impressive Frisbee, turns out to have absolutely no sense of depth perception.
3. YCC Candidates
And literally any extracurricular group handing out free sweets and looking for petition signatures.
4. All Your Friends Encouraging You to Miss Class.
They say green snakes hide in free grass. Well your friends are sitting on a blanket on patchy grass. “Just skip class,” they say. “It’s just one lecture,” they say. “No I should go,” you say. “I should really go to class.” You slowly lower yourself onto the grass. You were never going to go to class.
5. Your TF for the Class You’re Skipping
6. The Discussion Section Meeting Outside
Some TFs are cooler than others, but the TFs who are most insecure about their coolness have section outside just to prove how cool they are. Chances are, three of your friends are in this class, and as you make dorky faces at them, you’ll realize way too late that the TF and rest of section are staring at you.
7. Dog!
But seriously, a lot of people love to play with dogs but also a lot of people have traumatic dog encounters, and get anxious when there’s a dog running around off its leash in public spaces. We get that you want to share the love, but please look after your pets and if someone seems scared of your dog, just apologize and take it somewhere else.
8. Family of Color That Leaves Their Tour Group to Ask You a Question
It’s the best kept secret of color: POC in primarily white spaces tend to make eye contact, give a nod, or some “I see you” indication. However, there’s always that one dad that takes a break from standing around with his arms folded and appraising the campus, and instead drags his (embarrassed) teenaged child over to you and your friends of color to ask about the university. It’s kind of cute and you’d love to help out, but this is truly someone else’s job. Also the pained look on his teenager’s face is really starting to give you flashbacks. You should have gone to lecture.
