Dear Self-Love Trainee,
I talked to my therapist the other day and she asked me if I loved myself. Of course the immediate high-pitched, winded answer that came out of me was “Yes, I do love myself.” Anything other than that would have garnered more probing questions than I think I was ready to answer. This question came after a conversation about my thoughts on what I believed I deserved in relationships.
“Very little.” She said to me. It was strange to hear her synthesize my thoughts in this way. How can you tell someone that they don’t love themselves as much as they think? You’re supposed to love yourself; not loving yourself would be counterintuitive and dumb. But I didn’t feel that way completely. I felt like I was getting to know myself on a first date. What do I actually like to do? Do my friends love me? Will I find more love in the future? Am I deserving of love? I don’t think I understand yet what it means to love oneself. In an age where the idea of self-love is saturated with well-meaning posts about loving every part of yourself and bubble baths, what is self-love?
The only glimpse of self-love I found were in moments when I noticed myself noticing myself.
When I first arrived at Yale University, I carried around a mini blue paper mâché mirror that I created in high school with my dance team. I put it in my black purse and took it out whenever I felt self-conscious. I checked it less frequently some weeks, but constantly on others. The days when I was confident about something brought me joy. My little blue mirror also caught those moments of happiness. I don’t think I was completely self-conscious my first year, but I undoubtedly had days when I didn’t love myself. And that is completely okay. Loving yourself 100% of the time is not realistic. What is realistic is building up to the days or weeks when you don’t have to nervously check a mirror when you’re self-conscious. Being able to be comfortable or uncomfortable with yourself is self-love.
I loved the days when I caught myself smiling at my reflection and hated the ones when I would notice blemishes that didn’t really matter. I tried to find a balance in the art of caring and not caring. I found that if you didn’t bring up the things that make you self-conscious, people would most likely not bring it up. But people notice your happiness on the days when you feel good about yourself.
I was able to work my way up to those days by keeping myself busy and doing things that I knew I liked. I did my makeup on days I felt lazy and needed a pick-me-up. I went out with close friends and stayed in their dorms and apartments when I felt alone. One thing that I ended up noticing about myself was that I knew what I didn’t like and what didn’t feel good. That’s what self-love can mean as well: noticing yourself and knowing yourself on a basic level. I knew I hated feeling alone, and so I went out with friends even if going out was something out of the norm for me. Self-love can be that too: being brave enough to put yourself out there because you understand that you deserve to do things that you enjoy. Whatever that means.
For me, it meant respecting my own thoughts and putting them out there even if I was embarrassed of them. People deserve to be comfortable sharing what they think with the people they love. Even if you’re a shy person, admitting that you love and are grateful for people is so important. Putting those thoughts out there could remind you that you are someone that either once or even now received love. That you are someone who deserves to be loved in the future.
I’m still trying to figure out who I am through glimpses of myself in the mirror that is life. The more I notice myself in different experiences, the more I’ll put myself in situations that make me happy. I hope to catch myself smiling in happy situations so I can catalog that away in my mind and revisit it during the days when I’m not smiling. I hope you can start noticing yourself as well. It could be a start at least.
Sincerely,
Your Fellow Self-Love Trainee
Kadiatou Keita’ 23
