Saying No

cw: sexual assault
the writer of this poem wishes to remain anonymous. 

 I swallowed my fear as he removed my shirt,
Breathe in, Stay in the moment,
I kept reminding myself that I was there, in my room, I was in control,
It’s not the same, you chose this, no one is forcing you to do this,

He kissed my neck and called back my attention,
I sighed,
He was gentle, he cared about me, he would never hurt me,
He was not like the other one, I was going to enjoy this

He pinned me to the bed and I froze,
Stay in the moment, Anna,
You are enjoying this, don’t be a tease, just do it,
But why the hell do they pronounce my name the same way?

When he started to remove my skirt, it dawned on me,
This needed to end,
This was too similar, he was holding me too close, he was hurting me,
I needed to stop him.

Stop him,
Everyone does this,
It won’t be too hard,
At least you can stop him now,
It’s not like last time or the other 100 times,
You are in control

He is removing his boxers! cover yourself and tell him to leave,
Do it! Stop him! Just do it!
Say it, he will listen!
Goddamit stop kissing him back, push him away!
STOP IT,
This can’t happen again!
You are doing this to yourself,
You are going to keep getting raped
Except this is not even rape

You didn’t say no
He should see my shaking hands though,
He should my frightened look,
Oh Come on!
You are just putting the blame on him,
You just can’t say no,
You are a tease, that’s why this keeps happening,
You have been a tease since you were 10,
That’s why that happened!

SNAP OUT OF IT, HE IS PUTTING ON THE CONDOM!
I am begging you!
Say no!
Push him away,
This can’t happen!
Not again, not this time,
Please,
You can’t deal with this,
You won’t survive this,” 

STOP THIS,
Don’t you dare shut me up,
Don’t you dare ignore me,
You CAN stop him, you have the power!
You hold the power in this situation,
STOP HIM, PUSH HIM AWAY DO IT,
DON’T KISS HIM BACK,
DON’T LET HIM TURN YOU,
THIS WAS THE SAME FUCKING POSITION,
DO SOMETHING FOR GOD’S SAKE,

As he thrust himself in me, I shut the voice down and turned my face,
Hopefully he wouldn’t see my tears.